Tasers and 2nd Amendment

With all the controversy over banning guns in the United States, I've never really had to put much thought into my stance. Of course not! No, I'm very much opposed to this infringement on the 2nd amendment. I do not personally own a gun, but people in my family do, my friends do; in fact, probably my whole town does! Protecting yourself is a right, and I do not believe government should ever take control of our right to protect ourselves.

Like I said, I've always been against gun control, but recently I've become much more impassioned about it. Boston is a wonderful place; there are so many great things to do and see, but Massachusettes has a fault, and I'm not talking about their absurd roads or their terrible sidewalks. It is illegal to own or to sell a Taser or any other type of stun gun in Massachusetts under the Massachusetts General Laws Chapter 140, Section 131J.  A civilian in possession of a taser may punished by "a fine of not less than $500 nor more than $1,000 or by imprisonment in the house of correction for not less than 6 months nor more than 21/2 years, or by both such fine and imprisonment."

What?!?

Seriously. As I explained in my last post, I am scared of this place, so Steve and I have been thinking about getting a small taser for me to carry. I'm sure it will never need to be used, but it would make me feel better as I travel the subways, buses and streets by myself. However, I guess that won't be happening.

Like I said, I've always known I am against laws that constrict the 2nd amendment, but now that I slightly understand how it feels to have my right to feel safe taken away, I definitely am against all and any laws that leave civilians unprotected.

On a less serious note, read my favorite story about tasers and I dare you to not laugh:

Taser Story

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that

sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I

was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came

across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of

the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse

affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to

safety.

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it

home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed.I learned, however, that if I pushed the

I learned, however, that if I pushed the

button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get

the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that

burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it

couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting

little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I

really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving

target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)

and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going

to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did

want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading

glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions

in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient

your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms

and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would

purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of

water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the

batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring

about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really

and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to

myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my

best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to

one side as if to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one

second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I

decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I

touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . .  WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .

WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me

up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and

over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal

position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on

fire ,testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in

the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to

a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt

to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one

note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you

zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged

from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three

second burst would be considered conservative.

THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at

that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and

surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of

the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so

from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both

nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,

and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my

sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which

believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm

offering a significant reward for their safe return!!


P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!